Today marks the day I leave Beijing, leave study abroad. Goodbyes feel horrible, but in reality, why feel sad? Everything comes to an end.

While cleaning my room, I came across a bag of pokemon cards. It seems like a different age from when I first arrive in China and tried buying Chinese pokemon cards. But like most things, I had to toss it before leaving.

I started taking trash down this morning to the lobby area where all the trash was piled, and I had these black trash bags, made of the weakest plastic, which I used to toss everything I needed to get rid of, including the pokemon cards. On one of my last trips to the trash room, there was a cleaning lady, an 阿姨, gathering all the scattered trash into big bags to take outside the building.

And there they were. The hundreds of pokemon cards I threw away scattered across the floor in that miserable room. The bag must have broke, and the 阿姨 was squatting on the floor, trying to clean up the cards she so unceremoniously spilled. If you know how hard it is to pick up cards on a smooth surface, maybe you can better understand what I felt at the moment. I remember being overcome with shame, feeling miserable, her crouched on the floor of the trash room, using her nails to pick up my scattered embarrassments.

And when she saw me opening the door, a big bag in my hand, she stood up, like the whole situation was an inconvenience to me, to not pay it any mind, don’t worry about it, oh you need to pass through and go up the stairs? Of course, let me help you pass through this mess of a room, let me open the door for you with a big smile on my face.

I couldn’t bear it. The irony of the situation, the mess I knew I caused, thrust upon her. 6:30am in the morning. I told her that I was not in fact going up the stairs, I was just throwing away trash. I then promptly left and went back to my room, where I sat in my chair for a while.

I’m still wondering why this whole situation has affected me so much. I think it has to do with my grandma. I haven’t explained to much about it on this blog, but I have went through one of the biggest learning experiences of my life in China. When I saw the working lady, I couldn’t hold those feelings inside myself, and it’s not a bad thing. But it is something to learn from.

Let life take you along, but don’t just stand there. Do something.